How to insult Others

Insulting people is a deceptively simple act. Just as an artist can make drawing magnificent pictures look easy, a true master of the insult can make being unpleasant seem like a piece of cake. But the act of insulting people is far from simple, and that is where this simple guide will come in handy. If you read this page from top to bottom, and take note of everything it says, by the end you should be an accomplished insulter, and more than able to handle yourself in a protracted bout of insult-throwing.

STEP 1: THE BEGINNER

The main problem with beginners at this most difficult art is that they try to over-stretch themselves, and are then inevitably beaten back by a pro. They then give up, feeling bitter and lacking the confidence to try again.

To start off with, why not try some of these simple phrases? Practice in front of a mirror at first, so no-one can see if you make a mistake.

Good Phrases for beginners:

• You smell.
• You are fat.
• You have no friends.
• You are crap.

These are all known as "direct insults", as they insult the person you are refering to directly. The next stage for a beginner is to learn the more complex "indirect insults", which insult a person by making fun of their clothes, hair, taste in music, or mother.

Good Indirect Insults for beginners:

• Your clothes smell.
• Your mother is fat.
• Your family has no friends.
• Your hair (or taste in music) is crap.

STEP 2: THE INTERMEDIATE

Now that you have become proficient at using the "indirect" insult it is time for the next step. This involves combining two or more different insults together, into one, larger, insult which is scientifically proven to have more effect upon your target.

So, now you know the theory behind the "combo" (as it's more commonly known), how about learning some? Notice the "and" in the middle of each of these - this is what characterizes the "combo".

• You smell and your clothes are crap.
• Your mother is fat, and smells.
• Your hair is crap and you have no friends.
• Your face is ugly and so is your mother.

The second step of the intermediate course is learning to insult people with a "reason". This is the act of insulting someone, and then explaining the first insult with another. This is quite tricky, but tries some of these and before you know it you'll be a fully-fledged intermediate insulter. Like the "combo" these have a tell-tale sign, and that is the "because" which is in the middle of each sentence.

• Your clothes are crap because your family smells.
• Your taste in music is rubbish because you are crap.
• You have no friends because your mother is fat.
• Your hair is rubbish because your face is ugly.

You are now ready to start learning the ways of the most insulting of the insulters, the Professional. It is not an easy position to attain, and you must be prepared to spend many nights of sweat learning new and more impressive insults. The main difficulty with being a pro is that there are no set categories of insult to use (this is the easiest way to spot a pro - if they use insults you've never heard of before).

Sample professional insults are as follows:

• Hey butt-head, your mother is a fat cow.
• You eat rancid dog-dicks, fat boy.
• Who ate all the pies? (Should only be used on fat people)
• Oy, wanker! (Appears to be a beginner's insult, but is far more impressive and masterful than it seems)

So, practice lots, and start making up your own insults based on those shown above, and in no time at all you too will be a professional insulter.

STEP 3: THE PROFESSIONAL

You are now ready to start learning the ways of the most insulting of the insulters, the Professional. It is not an easy position to attain, and you must be prepared to spend many nights of sweat learning new and more impressive insults. The main difficulty with being a pro is that there are no set categories of insult to use (this is the easiest way to spot a pro - if they use insults you've never heard of before).

Sample professional insults are as follows:

• Hey butt-head, your mother is a fat cow.
• You eat rancid dog-dicks, fat boy.
• Who ate all the Bananas? (Should only be used on fat people)
• Oy, Chutiye (Appears to be a beginner's insult, but is far more impressive and masterful than it seems)

So, practice lots, and start making up your own insults based on those shown above, and in no time at all you too will be a professional insulter.

( Inspired By The TIGU)